CASINO ROYALE [2006] review

June 3, 2007 · Print This Article

I was prepared to give CASINO ROYALE a glowing review and declare it one of the most bad-ass pieces of entertainment I’ve ever seen. The opening foot chase seen up cranes through walls and into an embassy was totally badass. … But then the whole film came to a screeching halt in the Casino Royale. Suddenly, it turned into a poker game, which has to be one of the most boring activities ever to somehow get popular and get televised (right up there in boredom with parades). … I was counting on the dealer to tell me who won each time because when they showed their cards I had no idea.

And they could have done a better job of choosing the first girl Bond pounds to not look so much like Eva Green, who I consider the single most beautiful woman on the planet. At first I was like, why did they make Eva look so trashy?

…The aforementioned poker game that must have gone on at least 30 minutes of film time was ludicrous. If that bleeding eye guy was so good at poker then why not just play poker full time to make a living?

…But then the real excruciating part of the movie started….the supposed romance and falling in love between Bond and Vesper. … Anyone who has seen the incredible French film, THE DREAMERS, will no she can ooze chemistry and sensuality with the right co-stars and right director. It was hard to stop myself from “HA-ing” out loud, but finally when Bond said he loved her, I let out an audible “F!”

And then some bad guy we haven’t seen all movie comes out of nowhere to take the money and the girl. … The ultimate bad guy was some old guy we saw in the very beginning, but who cares about him?

…It’s just as soon as James stopped running and jumping off stuff like a doped up gymnast that the movie came to a grinding halt. And if I ever make a movie or TV show, there will NOT be a single cell phone in it. … I guess my beloved X-Files are to blame, as I am pretty sure Mulder and Scully started the cell phone trend.

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